Charlie Sheen

Man, yesterday was a rollercoaster, but it ended on a fairly high note. Mr. Tiger Blood hit me up months ago on an app I have since been IP banned from. You’ll regret that, Meet Me! I was a legend! I had fans! PEOPLE LOVED ME. All hail glorious leader! (I’m mostly bummed about it because that app provided me with the absolute best material for my Snap Shot series.) Anyway, Charlie Sheen decided to chat at me and was interested in seeing me sexually. He’s read my blog a bit. Hooray, that’s a good sign. His profile mentioned he had a significant other, when I asked about it he said he was married, they’re open, she knows all about and supports him getting strange. Their arrangement is it’s just sex, he comes home to her; they don’t date other people. I am skeptical, to say the least. My ex-husband used to love to tell women we were in an open marriage… I guess I was just the last one to find out. I tell him I’m hesitant to engage with someone who has a spouse, even under those terms. I get this claim frequently from potential partners. My usual go-to is to request I hear it from the spouse/ girlfriend/ fiancé that I have the go ahead to fuck her man. Right around that time is when the dude falls off the face of the planet and goes radio silent. Not so open now, are ya cunt? Another one bites the dust. I don’t bother making this request if the person I’m talking to doesn’t readily come out and say they’re in a relationship; if I have to ask, you’re probably just a dirt bag.

Charlie Sheen, however, beat me to the punch. He gave me her contact info and invited me to ask her myself. I never did it. I’m not exactly hurting for attention or partners, so any extra effort to screen just seems unappealing; it’s a lot of work to be ethically promiscuous and interview new mates. I met with him in person once to get a feel for him, and was not happy with him at all. At that meeting I was given sufficient proof of his wife’s approval for his sextracurricular activities- he actually went ahead and got the proof for me, in anticipation that I just wouldn’t believe him. We did not hookup, and I was very on the fence about it ever happening. I wrote him off as a very attractive man with baggage that I should probably just avoid. Addiction history, infidelity and other behavior flaws, religious. But, if Jesus helps you stay sober and follow the rules for your open marriage… I guess I’m all for whatever method works. The cheating was a huge turn off immediately, but with the weight of the other confessions I just saw it as a symptom of a broken person. To be perfectly honest, when he admitted he used to just cheat on her I wanted to break his jaw. I saw red instantly. Clearly I have hang-ups with infidelity. Also, I’m trying to work on my ability to not take other people’s infidelity personally because of my experiences… which is hard, because I’m a crazy person. They seemed to have worked through it and have a convenient agreement to keep the union functional; they’ve been married almost a decade, I can’t knock it if it works. He displayed some red flags that to me just indicated he’d be a poor lover, with the added bonus of possibly bringing drama into my life. Nope.

WHEN THE FUCK DO I RUN AWAY FROM TROUBLE!? Hi, my name is DD and I like to live dangerously and stupid. Fast-forward to today in the wee hours. I’m in bed, having a rough night to myself. I’m eye-fucking the gin in my fridge like it’s the last bit of happiness on Earth. It tastes like Christmas, who wouldn’t want that on a bad day? I had a bad lay earlier that just left me wondering what the fuck am I even doing; I’d had him before and it was great, this time, however, he showed up, got off, then left. I didn’t really get mine. He even smirked an apology as he reminded me how much I dislike quickies. Fuck you, dude. That was the topper to an already draining day. Ugh, I just needed some release from someone not a selfish tool bag. Charlie Sheen hits me up, I tell him I’m not really in the mood to receive guests, and he understood. He hit me up again an hour later to ask if I was feeling any better. I was. He asked if I wanted a hug. I did. I mean, I know he meant with his penis in my wizard sleeve, but I still wanted that physical contact. He came over, gave me a really good extra-long hug (the kind Cornelius used to get at Testicular Cancer meetings from Bob… I’m Bob… because tits,) and we chatted. He’s told me before he feels able to tell me anything. I’m not unfamiliar with this confession; tell me all your secrets little bird.

I’m comfortable with him. His damage doesn’t match my damage, but I get it. I’ve known, and loved, addicts before. I ask about his wife, I want to know more. He never said a bad word about her. My respect for him has increased 10 fold… here, in the privacy of the bed of a woman he’s allowed to sleep with, he only speaks highly of his spouse and his love for her. Swoon? I’m trying not to get choked up. It’s that kind of attraction women feel towards single dads at the playground… suddenly, he’s just more attractive. I think at this critical moment if he’d chosen to say anything negative about her, or any other women he’s experienced, I would have just shooed him out of my house. I don’t think I could do what they’re doing, and I certainly couldn’t imagine it AFTER the other person had cheated. I lamented my lay earlier the day before (it’s after midnight, I can say it was yesterday,) and he offered to take a whack at me to finish me off. I tell him no and I don’t think we’re sexually compatible, and I meant it. I don’t elaborate because I don’t want to argue. My thoughts on the matter were he came across as sexually selfish, and I was just not in the mood to risk another shitty lay. I perceived him as a “I’mma get mine, then go,” kind of dude especially with the arrangement with his wife. We continue to snuggle, his hand touching the small of my back, my fingers in his hair. I like teasing and touching.

I like how he’s touching me. It’s intimate, but not sexual. Just, soft and gentle. He’s definitely coming on to me, but he’s not rushing me at all. I know he has to be home by 4. Not once did he mention needing to hurry things up. I like taking my god damn time. Let it happen naturally if it’s going to happen, it’s just better that way. Eventually his fingertips dance over my waist and along my hip, I roll back a bit and he follows my lead to go to my front and pull up my shirt. Once he sees my piercings, it’s all over. He starts tugging and twisting them, I can feel my eyes rolling back a little as the tingles travel up and down my spine. He asks me if I like it. I think I mumbled yes. He continues twisting until he can’t hold back anymore and dives into sucking on them. My downstairs responds immediately. Fuck. I want to wrap myself around his lean body. I don’t know when my panties came off, but he was kissing my thighs and lower lips so sweetly that when he finally introduced his tongue to my hood piercing I almost came immediately. My thighs are wrapping around his head tightly, I’m running my fingers through his hair, he hands me his glasses to put on the nightstand.

He is very, very good at what he does. That oral was absolutely incredible. I came three, maybe four times, before he came up for air. He likes to bite just the right way, and tells me biting makes him extremely horny. He bit my inner thighs and my ass cheek, I’m writhing and rolling with it. MORE. I WANT MORE. My body is just flooded with happy, I’m grinning from ear to ear like a god damn retard. Don’t talk to me, I’m floating right now. He leaves me momentarily but when he comes back he’s naked, hard as a rock, and wearing a condom. I want him. I’m on my back and he pushes inside me, but not all the way. His stroke is short and shallow, gaining a little more each time. His size surprised me. Longer than I like, but not by much, and the kind of thickness I enjoy the most. When he’s all the way inside the switch is flipped and I want him to fuck me like a savage. He obliges. Holy shit. I was very, very, very wrong about this man. I can admit when I’m wrong! See! He was attentive, spontaneous, and giving. It was all about me. From taking my legs up into the crook of his elbows, to crossing them together and putting them on one shoulder. He took me to pound town. His sex faces are as funny as mine, I’m keeping my eyes closed. Flip me over! Watching that hot body fuck me from behind was such a treat, I love having my vanity mirror by the bed. Tell me you love fucking me! He growls it in my ear. SAY IT AGAIN WHILE I CUM! He goes and goes and goes, full steam ahead like a jack hammer, until he needs a breather. Ok, champ, get on your back. My turn to give.

He had some reservations about my admittedly amazing head and hands skills he’s read about on my blog. I’m sure every man thinks I’m just bragging. That’s fine. If you qualify to play, I’d love to embarrass you with an unexpected 30 second orgasm. Wink wink. Actually, go fuck ya self. I’m busy. I lube my hands up and start my two-handed stroke. That look… that look on his face. It never gets old. That immediate realization I know exactly what the fuck I’m doing and I’m very skilled at it. White knuckles gripping my bedding, writhing, heavy breathing, unintelligible mumbling. I haven’t even added my mouth yet. I start sucking and he tells me “I love how you suck cock.” Yeah, I bet you do. I go for a while, not really trying to get him off, I want him to hold on as long as possible and enjoy it. He’s earned it. Eventually he tells me he wants to drink some water and fuck me some more. I am all in. As he gets up, he answers his phone that was on the floor. It’s the wifey… it’s past his curfew. Woops. He has to go, she is displeased. She knows he’s with “the blog girl,” and what we’re up to. I apologize for keeping him late, he tells me “no, it’s on me.” Again, his attractive level has increased. Before we got started in the night I told him how I’ve always wanted to do a MFM threesome, and he volunteered to participate if I want. Consider yourself qualified, Charlie Sheen. He fucks like a porn star, he’s giving, he’s kinky, and he’s hot. I should say thank you to his wife for allowing our play time. I’m happy he was so determined to prove himself to me and get an entry on my blog, because it was an uphill battle to get here. Impressive. Keep on doing your thing, man.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

Categories Sex