I should probably just catalog my list of things I know I’m absolutely NOT into.
- I hate when my lady parts are called PUSSY. It hits my ear wrong. Pussy, to me, is an insult for weak men like my former spouse. Why would I allow a word used to describe men of that nature, to also be used for my golden gilded lady folds?
- Insults, degradation, or humiliation. No, I’m not into being called a whore, slut, dirty, etc. I’m awesome and you’re welcome. The only time this is acceptable for me is outside of the bedroom, in which case you may refer to me as The Trash Queen.
- Begging, role play, master & slave. I will not beg for you. I will not stroke your ego. I will not be your submissive anything. You’re here to please ME, not the other way around.
- Spitting. Look, I get it. You watched porn your whole life and that’s what they do. They spit on a woman’s box while they’re eating it. Guess what? SPITTING ON SOMEONE IS GROSS. Fuck outta here with that. I’ll spit on you if you’d like.
- Restraints. I’d be open to playing around with rope and stuff if we saw each other long enough to get comfortable with it, but on the whole I would never let a stranger subdue me in such a way that I was completely helpless. I’d like to live, thank you.
- Forced oral. Look, if I’m not willingly putting my mouth on your cock, there’s a fucking reason. The reason is I DON’T WANT TO. Likely because you don’t deserve it.
- Anal. This one is tricky; I like anal! But, and this is big, just because I like it doesn’t mean I’m going to consent to it with YOU. I have rules and things. By and large, I will not be down to do it the first time I’m with someone. Also, it needs to be planned in advance so I have time to prepare myself. If you’re not willing to eat my asshole, you’re not going to get to fuck it either. SORRY, NOT SORRY.
- Semen. I hate your climax fluid. I hate it. My preference is you cum in the condom, in a room away from me entirely. No, you can’t cum ON me anywhere. Ever. It’s not ok. No, I will not swallow it- you should be happy I even allowed it in my mouth. No you can’t cum on my glasses or my braces… just… stop. Anal does not mean the condom is coming off, either. I decide when I don’t use condoms, not you, and it’s not up for debate.
- I’m not just going to blow you. Ever. Unless I’ve previously said that I’d be down to do so, just assume you’re not one of the cool kids and I don’t find you charming.
- Repeating myself. Look fucko, no means no. It means no every time I said it. It doesn’t get more no-y the more I repeat it, however if I have to repeat it to you… you might be a rapist. If you have to pressure a woman to consent, you’re not compatible. Just let it go.
- Pleading. JUST STOP. If I don’t want what you’ve got to offer, accept it as my loss and go disappoint someone else sexually. It is such a turn off when men resort to begging and pleading. Also, if you offer me money we are absolutely fucking done here. NO MEANS NO.
- “My friend wants to meet you.” Tell your friend to download Tinder, swipe right on me, and if the feeling is mutual he can try out his best opening line. I give zero fucks about your friends getting orgasms, I hand pick all of my partners based on criteria I’m not obligated to define to you. Then there’s the process of elimination through conversation.
- Incest/ Animals. This… needs to stop coming up. Leave me out of your fetishes involving this shit. No, I’m not open to trying new things apparently. No, I guess I’m not very kinky.
- Party & Play. Just no. “Let’s smoke meth and suck each other’s dicks for several hours!”