Goggles

Tinderrrrrrrr, to the wall! Til all these matches crawl!

So this kid’s main pic on Tinder is just the upper part of his face in goggles with “Meh pussy eating goggles” and I knew I had to have him. (Why waste your time, you know you’re gonna be mine!) Funny, goes down, hotter than the rising sun. We match, he messages me fairly quickly. I didn’t even bother to look at his other pics until he messaged me, and I see a pic of him in a ring fighting. Um… yes. Body for days, get inside me. I’ll take it, whatever it is. He tells me he thinks red heads are cute. I tell him his pussy eating goggles make him perfect. Without missing a beat he tells me that’s great, because he wants to bury his face in my ass. HUZZAH! We have a winner. I wish more men on Tinder realized talking to women is fun and easy, it shouldn’t be forced or rude. If your opening line is “DTF?” I’m already done with you and I don’t care if you’re Ryan-fucking-Reynolds. That’s a lie, I’d bang him regardless.

He drove in from the peninsula and hit me up at like 10am. I had to get situated and cleaned up, once I’m ready I send him my address so he can take me to pound town. He comes over and we chill on my bed for a few minutes- I let him know I had my eye on him because he was funny and I’m of the belief funny men are better in bed because they don’t take themselves too seriously. He comments that also they like to get nasty. Oh you dear sweet thing, get nasty with me. I get on top of him and close my window’s blinds. I grind on him a bit and kiss, I can feel he’s nice and hard. Fuck yes, younger men until I fucking die. I just can’t get enough. Off goes the shirt, he says “agreed.” He sucks on my nipple rings for a little bit and then asks if I want to sit on his face. You’re god damn right I do, sport! 1, 2, 3, naked. Slut magic. I get on his face and he brings me to climax very, very quickly. My genital piercing is the best thing to ever happen to me. Ladies. Ladies. Do yourself a favor, suck it up and go get your hood pierced immediately. IMMEDIATELY. I’ll go with you and hold your fucking hand, it’s not so bad. Just do it and thank me later.

He tells me to get on my back, and goes down on me some more. YESSSS. Then flips me over and I am very excited. Bury your face in my ass you beautiful boy! He does. He also put spit in my hand when I reach back and grab him, I’m not sure what I need to hold on for but god damn this is a RIDE. He instructs me to masturbate while he’s licking my asshole. DEAL. I don’t get off from having my salad tossed, so this is a great idea. I get off HARD. God damn this piercing is going to get me in so much trouble. His turn. I want to gift him my glorious mouth, he’s earned it. He lays back, I throw some lube in my hands. Once I touch him he says “oh fuck yeah, these are my favorite hand jobs.” Oh honey, you don’t even know yet. Stroke stroke stroke, mouth time. He lasted maybe a minute before he tells me “I’m gonna blow.” Good boy. Spit, rinse, now what. He says “well that was fast…” I’m concerned this means sexy time is over… I wouldn’t be surprised with my shit luck lately. Nope, he stayed hard and put a condom on. He brought his own! Swoon. This is a kid that knows whats up.

Condom on, he gets on top. I love me some missionary if you’re aggressive and dominant. He doesn’t get rough with me but he did lay that pipe well enough to get me off over and over again. He tells me to get on my belly- does he mean on all fours? Nope. He grabs my ankles and pulls my legs to straighten me out back into laying down. Yes, please. He straddles my ass and starts plowing me so beautifully I can barely breathe. He’s not the biggest, but he definitely knows how to use every inch he’s got and maximize the potential pleasure. A few times he went deep enough to actually become mildly uncomfortable. He put in the work, I got off like a fucking geiser. I am literally screaming with every orgasm, and they’re getting closer and closer together as well as lasting longer. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Your body gets so overloaded with happy chemicals you feel legit buzzed. I was fucking floating, and tingling, and my limbs were nowhere to be found. This is the life. Orgasms are my drug of choice, and the more I have the higher I’ll get. I never want to come down. He stops once or twice in this position and eats my ass some more, which I am all about. Gimme all the b-hole love. He asks if he can fuck my ass, I say no. Anal is… not something I’m comfortable doing the first time I’m with someone. There’s trust involved, and it has to be pre-planned in advance so the receiver can clean out their body. Yeah, people who do this regularly know how to do it properly. PS, all my friends are gay men so I’m well versed in how to take a dick in the butt.

I get on top for a while but he’s hitting my g-spot just perfectly and I erupt into a full body shaking orgasm that leaves me unable to do anything but smile like an idiot. I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face, eyes closed, just floating. He takes a break and checks his phone, whatever. Asks me if I want more, and the answer is DUH. As he puts his hands on my lady business I rub his abs and tell him he’s so pretty- his response? “I know.” I’m glad you know, now make me cum. He throws my legs open and starts rubbing my piercing and fingering me, I get off a few times and notices the box of toys next to my bed. He wants to play with them. OK, let’s do this. He insists on my triple stimulator, which is my favorite and the only toy I use by myself for my own amusement anymore. Triple stimulator as in the dildo, the clitoral stimulator, and a little butt tickler. He uses it on me expertly and I have what can only be described as roller coaster orgasms. They go up and up and up! Faster and harder and longer. I finally had to tap out. I asked him if he wanted some more head, he happily accepts and tells me “that shit was great.” So I go down on him, this time he lasts maybe 30 seconds and doesn’t give me a warning he’s going to cum. Thankfully there was very little. Spit, rinse, now what.

He asks to take a shower, absolutely kiddo. Clearly this is the end of happy fun time. I am more than satisfied. He’s had 2 orgasms, I’ve had around a dozen or better. Our romp lasted about an hour or so. This is my preference; give me an hour and give me your energy, I’ll give it back to you and make sure you’re very happy. He takes his shower, I clean up my face… he fucked my makeup off. My heart is pounding, I’m covered in sweat. My hair is FUCKED UP. Yes. I remove the black eyes I’m sporting and he comes out of the bathroom fully dressed. I tell him to get out of my house. We laugh, he thanks me for a good time. I thank him for a good time. I feel like a million fucking dollars right now. This is the kind of sex I want to have regularly, now go away I have things to do and people to see! Plus tonight I’m calling in to an internet radio show and guest hosting, talking about my sex blog and my lifestyle. Very exciting for me! Getting invited to stuff like this is… weird. I know I’m not famous. I know I’m not really anything or anybody. Yet. You know what I find funny? Writing a blog about my sexual adventures is the least interesting thing I do with my time in my life. I’m actually kind of a big deal. I have many leather bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Edit: He read the blog entry, loves it, and wants to go another round. Told me he’ll be masturbating to our encounter for a while. God damn right. Also, I give amazing head and that’s the fastest he’s ever popped. Twice. Hint, I go for the high score every time.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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