God damn, Cold War. You intolerable tease. Undoubtedly the most sexually frustrating man I’ve ever encountered. Our schedules don’t really work out to see each other very often to begin with, but on top of that I went and got a genital piercing which puts me out for sexy time 4-6 weeks. After having just spent a month sexless because of my newly implanted IUD and all the blood it caused. I got the piercing on March 14, also known as Steak & BJ Day. Cold War did not take me up on my offer to honor the holiday, instead he opted to get more of his tattoo sleeve done. What. Anyway, back to me- that’s why you’re here. You read correctly, I got my business pierced- a lovely vertical hood with sparkly little jewels on it. Because my no-no is pretty and deserves tiaras from Tiffany’s. Let’s talk about getting it pierced, first and foremost.

Cold War went with me and held my dainty little doll hand while a complete stranger had me up in stirrups and my naked lady parts just hanging out and getting some air. I was scared, not going to lie about it. I almost chickened out. I might have chickened out if I had been alone. The piercing itself was a 7 on the pain scale, for exactly 2 seconds. It hurt again when she slipped the jewelry in. But then it was all over. Just an achy kind of soreness like you get after having it sucked on too hard during a night of MDMA and lots of Basement Jaxx. Why did I get it done? Because I was terrified of it. I’m conquering fears and knocking shit off my bucket list, excuse me, my fuck-it list as quickly as possible. This year is all about self improvement and fulfillment. I’ve dropped 20 lbs since joining Tinder. That’s funny because it’s true! So yeah, it fucking hurt, but only briefly. Pain is weakness leaving the body, am I right? I screamed like a kicked dog, don’t think for a second I took it like a champ. I’m a total puss-puss when it comes to pain. Cold War was a good boy and I enjoyed his company greatly through my super fast procedure.

So what have we been up to lately? A whole lot of blow jobs. For real, you know I’ve got the bug for a dude when I’m just blowing him because my junk is broken or we don’t have adequate surroundings to make for the sexy time. I cannot stop blowing him, either. Those moans! Those little whispered expletives! And, following his trend, he has continued to shout lines from movies/ video games as he orgasms. My favorite so far is when I took his shot in my mouth in my car, in some Wasilla gravel yard, and he yelled FLAWLESS VICTORY. He will be the death of me, I’m going to aspirate semen and die from horror. Stop telling me to swallow, I’m not interested. You eat it. I even traded him 6 blowies for a sweet voice message in Russian he refuses to translate for me. The last few times we’ve seen each other the blowing commenced in a parking lot behind where he lives… which he now refers to as “the blowing station.” This last time, it was different and I’m swooning so god damn hard.

I blow him, we hang out for a bit, and I wanted him to kiss me. Most men, read: pussies, refuse to tongue kiss after their seed has been sprayed into a girls mouth. Really makes me want to swallow it when even you think it’s fucking gross, by the way. Super convincing! Cold War, however, does not have that hang up. Once that became clear it was all over for me. I’ve been so starved for attention and make-out time I crawled over the center console and straddled him. Passionate, intense, deep kissing. Running my fingers through his hair, pulling it, yanking his head to the side and nibbling his neck until he made little moans. No marks, because I’m a fucking adult. Hey, speaking of, if you don’t know how to bite, suck, and nibble on a person without leaving 7th grade hickies… just kill yourself, you fucking tampon. Anyway, he nuzzles my neck and I’m expecting the same level of aggression but instead he gently, delicately, sweetly, SOFTLY kisses and licks my neck. I can feel my basement flood. Holy shit, he’s totally a passionate lover that takes his time… nigga, this much build up and I might just go full on nuclear in my meltdown tantrum. I want this dick and I want it now. Also did I mention he kisses like a fucking rockstar. Big ol’ lips, perfect amount of tongue use. I’m gonna rape your face you iron giant.

Moving on, I tell him I want to fuck him right now. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW GOD DAMN IT. He’s not having it. He absolutely refuses to fuck me in my car, and we don’t have the time to go anywhere else. Sonofabitch. I tell him to just lean the seat back all the way, I’ll do all the work I just wanna get an orgasm I haven’t stimulated myself. No Bueno. He’s also hesitant to fuck me with my piercing not healed yet. I’ve got like… 3 weeks left before the green light to just do whatever I want. That notwithstanding, he just won’t bang me in my car because of how big he is. It’s not comfortable being a fucking giant in a tiny clown car. Whatever, just lay there and take it!!!! He refuses, and lays on me a reason I can’t help but feel kind of tingly about. He informs me he’s not confident of his ability to please me in such circumstances, and it would interfere with his ability to get and keep an erection. WHAT. You’re so hung up on the fact it won’t be GREAT sex that you don’t even want to bother because it’ll be too distracting for your weenus?

Take a second here. He wants to fuck me PROPERLY, with time and energy and not in a cramped little car. Swoon, motherfucker. I mean, obviously I’m pissed off about it for my own selfish reasons… but how much greater is it going to be when we find the time to do it right? I can’t even imagine having him for a whole night, all to myself. He will be my favorite toy of all time. I don’t know what we are, or what we’re doing, other than we’re monogamous. He drives me fucking wild and I ugly laugh when he jokes about dead toddlers and prison rape.

Wanna see my lady piercing? I bet you do. Oh alright, twist my arm about it. No, I’m not shaving my business just for a picture. Deal with a little puberty on my bits.

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