Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. What a joke. What a giant pain in my dick. Not that I have anything against couples celebrating being in love and happy just because I’m a bitter old hag, no no no. OK, maybe that. Not really, but I did promise myself I wasn’t going to feel down in the dumps for being unattached to a significant other on “singles awareness day.” I took myself on a glorious date.

First and foremost, I was up all night the night before partying with my new found Air Force friends. They’re amazing. The women are beautiful, smart, funny, and interesting. The boys, of course, are delicious. It was Beaner’s birthday, turning 25, so we did all the things, including passing on my personal tradition of smashing cake into the birthday person’s face. His buddies secured his arms for us so he couldn’t resist. I had a blast. Got home around 7am, took a nap, got up at 10 ready to slay the day. Beaner promised he’d come with me to The Hole Look to get my nipples pierced, so I patiently awaited for him to conquer his impending hangover. I’d been flirting with some Tinder boys while in bed and it was going well, I got the attention I wanted and didn’t have to actually get ready until well after noon. The one I want is 19, Army, looks absolutely perfect, and he’s a mechanic. You know how much I love a mechanics hands, hahaha. Fuck did I just admit he was 19… are they getting younger, am I  predator? Get in the van, start with the little one. It’s go time, I get the text to meet up at the place. Quick shower and I’m out the door. I’ve had my nipples pierced a few times previously, and had always sworn I’d get it redone again at a later date but never mustered up the lady balls to go do it. I’m reclaiming Valentine’s Day for myself, so why not? Plus the place is running a special on nipple and genital piercings for the “holiday” so they were cheaper than originally budgeted for. Hooray! I win at everything.

I get there and pay for my titty bedazzle, it’s time to play the waiting game again until I’m called back for my chosen voluntary mutilation. Beaner gets there and we hang out for a solid 30-45 minutes, then I get the signal. Breathe. We got this. It’s gonna be OK. Beaner is gonna have to hold my hand because I’m convinced I’m going to faint on the second piercing. The first one I remember as not being terrible at all; your body floods with chemicals so it’s not as intense. The second one, however, comes after you’ve already shot your wad so you fucking feel it. I’ve been fainting a lot lately. (I recently had a Mirena IUD placed in me for long term birth control since the Nuva Ring decided to make me crazy. Totally fainted from breathing wrong through that painful sonofabitch.) ANYWAY, we get the placement marked and begin the very quick procedure. The first one went in so smoothly I didn’t make a sound, though I may have squeezed Beaner’s hand. The second one was much less painful than I remember it previously, though I did yelp like a kicked dog through the piercing and also through the jewelry placement. Boom, the tata’s have been decorated. Too bad my phone was dead or I would have been sending tit pics to e’erybody. (I did that literally an hour later when I got home and charged it a bit.)

We went and had lunch, then I went home so Beaner could nap. We had plans to meet up later and watch Deadpool at the Tikahtnu theater. One of my flirty Tinder boys, the 19 year old soldier, called in a huge favor for him and his 3 soldier friends. I say fuck it, why not. They’re away from home, too young to go anywhere or do anything they want… and for fuck’s sake, they’ve earned the right to drink by enlisting. I make the deal on one condition: they have to sing to me. I want to be serenaded on Valentine’s Day by a group of baby faced GI’s clearly using my preferences against me. I can’t resist. They agree to my terms and I head out. I grab what they asked for and they did the most half-assed rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody I’ve ever witnessed. Not gonna lie, I laughed my ass off because they were clearly uncomfortable- but they were also terrible. You bring shame upon your famiree. I went to my movie and it was PHENOMENAL. I would lick the sweat off of Ryan Reynolds’ taint, the man can do no wrong. Before the movie even started the singing soldiers texted me they wanted me to pick up another bottle and meet them at their hotel later, they’d pay me when I got there. OK, fine. But singing won’t cut it this time- I expect dancing, too. They agree to my terms.

Three quarters through my movie they’re blowing my phone up asking when I can get the booze and join them, they’re impatient. I tell them I’m still in my movie, but soon. My flirty tinder soldier tells me in no uncertain terms that if I bring 2 bottles all four of those boys would take a go at me to pleasure me. Back the fuck up. What? He went on to say some other distasteful things I was not pleased about and I decided to ignore them for the night and go home after the show. I don’t really feel like responding to an offer for a gangbang over a couple cheap bottles of liquor. Mostly I just didn’t have a snappy comeback prepared. How do you prepare for that kind of suggestion? You don’t. I was rendered literally speechless. He calls me as I’m headed home and I communicate my displeasure with his overreach. Don’t make it weird, man! I’m doing you a solid and I have every intention in this world to fuck your ever-loving brains out the moment I can get you alone and it’s conducive to my schedule. I tell him I’ll still bring the handle of vodka on one condition: he has to let me punch him in the balls. No insult should go unpunished. He agrees, and says I have to give him a kiss afterward. Fuck, god damn it he’s cute. Of course I’m gonna kiss you, stupid. Bottle purchased, on the way to their hotel room.

I get there and immediately they tell him to get up and take his ball tap. He was pretty drunk, but excited to see me and take his testicular beat down for his offense. I went for it once but he instinctively and reflexively blocked it. So I pushed him on the bed, his friends held his arms, and I opened his legs wide. Then I punched him in the balls 6 times. He almost threw up. Clearly I hit like a girl, I wanted him to barf. Then we kissed and I *loved* it. Ugh, such a handsome young man. I learned that these KIDS, because really… they’re clearly not adults yet… are all brand new, fresh off the plane to their new home in Alaska for the next couple of years- as of FRIDAY. Yeah, they still had that new car smell on them. I have nicknamed my soldier FOB for Fresh Off the Boat. They’re so new, had I chosen to take them on as a group we could have officially named my vagina CIF (Central Issue Facility.) I might just do that anyway because it’s funny. I picked up an Airman a couple days ago, newly in the day before- took him to a lovely Thai lunch where he thought I was rude for pointing out my order was wrong. Haha Back to my room full of sweaty, drunk, very attractive boys who may or may not have taken their shirts off for no reason. Back to FOB, he’s even new in the service having only just joined last July. OMG. I got to him before he turns into an asshole! Hooray!

FOB is all over me. He’s trying to convince me to let him go down on me in the bathroom. Absolutely not, because I want to fuck him- just not here. I only bang at my house, you know? He’s trying to get me to lay on the bed and just let him go to town on me… with the other 3 guys just kind of there… nope. Not my style, kid. You know the problem with kids these days? They’re just getting sexier. I’ll see myself out for that. He’s being aggressive. I love aggressive. The one sober friend in the room was deeply concerned FOB being all over me was making me uncomfortable, or he was being too rapey. It was actually very dear. The two infantry boys decided to fight each other all night (11 bang bang indeed, Jesus it was so hot to watch them wrestle and beat on each other.) I decide to wrestle FOB because I dig it, and I was winning for a minute until he slammed me into a wall and I broke a framed picture. Glass everywhere. RAWR. If those other 3 people hadn’t been in the room I would have ripped his clothes off with my teeth. Get rough with me, destroy everything. Fastforward about another hour and it’s time for me to get outta there. FOB offers to walk to me to my car, but I know he just wants to makeout and try to convince me to fuck him somewhere not my house. Whatever, suck face with me.

We get to my car and he pushes me up against it, while we kiss. Lifting up my skirt in the front he pulls his dick out and starts rubbing it on my lady business over my underwear, and my thighs. He’s not small. He’s rock hard. God he’s attractive. Why can’t I just take him home with me god damn it!? Ugh. If only he wasn’t at a shitty hotel with 3 other dudes. Some person comes out to smoke so he needs to hide his soldier standing at attention. He tells me to let him get in the passenger seat. Fuck, he’s gonna try to fuck me in my god damn car. No. It’s not comfortable or fun, it’s never happening. He pleads, begs, and demands I let him in. FINE. He gets in and says the magic fucking words “take me home with you.” YOU FUCKING GOT IT, KIDDO! Had I known that was an option I would have just came and picked him up, no joke. Not that watching 2 drunk idiots battle each other wasn’t entertaining, or that being in a room with a bunch of young shirtless men wasn’t in itself kind of awesome… but we could have skipped all that foreplay and just gone to my house for some real bang bang. On the way to my house we agree to take a shower together first so we can get groomed and freshened up for each other. I haven’t bush whacked in a while so it’s time, him too. He’s telling me he wants to go down on me for hours, which sounds well and good but I want that dick, boy. He’s afraid he’ll cum too quick when we get down to business. I’m not scared, worse comes to worse he can go down on me again or use his hands. He agrees, and mentions he can get a hard-on again really quickly. Yes. That’s what I want to hear.

We get to my house and take our shower. It’s not sexual at all, we’re just hanging out, chit chatting, and shaving ourselves. I gave him an unopened razor, like a gentleman. I’m hoping the hot shower will help sober him up a bit too. He seems pretty normal at this point, still intoxicated but nowhere near what he was like before. Hooray! We make out on the bed for a while and he plays with me. He’s getting me off with his hands so I offer to return the favor. I love my 2 handed HJ, he earned one. The only thing that bothered me is he’s completely silent during any sexual play at all. No feedback, no appreciation, no direction. I have no idea if what I’m doing feels good or if he’d rather I just fuck him instead. I end up asking, and he tells me it’s incredible. Ok, that’s good. He tells me he wants to go down on me but there’s a catch, he wants me to get on Tinder and flirt with other men while I’m sitting on his face. He had mentioned previously his fantasy is to have a girl sit on his face and “go about her day as normal” and I didn’t really understand what he meant, until now. OK, I know just who to flirt with if he’s not busy. I start messaging my Captain in Afghanistan that’s into cuckold fetish. I actually had some difficulties trying to use a my phone while this boy was pleasing me with his mouth because *ding ding ding* he’s really, really good at it. He told me he loves to do it, that it’s his favorite thing in the world. Clearly he was not fucking around about that. I return the oral favor but his silence is throwing me off. I ask if he’s enjoying it and he tells me absolutely… but you know how it goes. If I’m not making you squirm and moan, I feel like I’m not doing it the way you like it. Sex time.

Condom on, he asks me how I want him. I like to start out missionary, then switch to me on top so I can hit my g-spot and cum like a fountain. He expertly maneuvers himself inside me and starts giving it to me, I start getting off frequently. Yes, this kid is great in bed I just wish he’d make a sound. Anything!!!! Talk dirty to me, grunt, whimper… something. Shit. I’m so loud it starts feeling awkward like I’m just yelling in your face.  I am yelling in your face. Yell in my face. Don’t make it weird! So he goes and goes and goes and goes, he’s not getting off. We switch positions a few times, I had fun on top and then we segued to him behind me which didn’t really work out. Back to missionary until he needed to take a break. At this moment we see the condom has broken. God damn my birth control probably did it because the wires poking through my cervix. SHIT. Plan B in the morning just to be sure, and clearly we’re going to have an indepth talk about partners when we’re done. His hardon starts to get soft so I give up and we cuddle for a bit. He tells me he’s pretty inexperienced, having only been with 4 women previously. Holy hell I’m number 5, which is also a lucky number of mine if I were to believe in lucky numbers. In fact, he didn’t lose his virginity until he got engaged and was going to get married. Oh my goodness. I ask him how I was on top and he said it was amazing having me use him like my little fuck-stick for my own enjoyment however I wanted him. OK, that’s how I’ll finish you off then. So I hop back on and he cums relatively quickly. Good boy.

We hang out for another hour or so, I fell asleep on him for a minute snuggled up to his body. I love his body. He’s comfortable, attractive, and intimately snuggly. Yaaaaaaaaaassss. I take him back to his hotel room and go to bed when I get home. My Valentine’s Day was pretty epic if I do say so myself.

Wanna see my nipple piercings?
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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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