SHECKSHY TIME

This smoking hot 21 year old soldier who goes by Lee decided he wanted to give me the D after some pretty salacious texts and pictures. He’s been talking to me for a few days, it’s getting heated. He’s fun, and funny, and Jesus Christ that BODY! I can’t resist. He asked me for a picture of my “womanhood” the day before and I sent him a cartoon of Mel Gibson rubbing his nipples. He’s still down. Look, if they can get past my humor and personality, I’m pretty much golden. This motherfucker takes all my curveballs with stride, and he’s funny. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. Plus young as all get out. So… my type. I don’t even know how all this started, I think I liked a picture of his on MeetMe and he messaged me out of the blue. Again, I will not apologize for art. My flirt game is terrible, even I don’t understand how I get laid half the time. These boys pose shirtless on various apps and I’m attracted like a moth to a flame. The abs command me. He sent me a dick pic and I told him to kick rocks- it looked monstrous and I’m having none of that. He tells me it’s just the angle and sends me a better one, where it’s less intimidating. See, this is why I hate dick pics- they’re deceptive. Also dicks are fucking ugly. Nope, don’t care about your opinion on the matter. I send all my unsolicited dick pics to my gay friends to ogle. Although recently when I get unsolicited dick pics it has been fun to send them right back, but bigger dicks. THANK YOU, WELL HUNG MEN!

Fast forward to today (last night?) and I’m doing some shit that’s taking all my effort and energy. He sends me a pic of him drinking Kraken rum and I tell him how I like to refer to sex with me as releasing the Kraken. Also I regret, kind of, referring to my lady business as a mythical sea creature. I end up sending him an actual picture of my wizard sleeve and he loses his ever-loving mind trying to get the invite to my house. He tells me he wants to shower because the hot water isn’t working in his room… mostly likely true, but come on, I can’t have this boy in my house or I will certainly pounce on him. He starts sending me nudes and holy damn. Holy good God damn. That body. Those angles. He’s so beautiful and he knows it. Yes I want him to come over and yes I want him to take a shower… but mostly I just want him to take his clothes off and let me lick him until he smells like mine. I’m sending him more pics of my doll parts to tease him and he’s becoming more and more aggressive about what he wants to do to me…. sidenote, I totally snapped a pic of my vulva looking like Mary Magdalene. Clearly Jesus approves of All The Dicks. So I invite him over for the night and he tells me he’s still in uniform and going to take a quick shower to rinse the initial stank off from working hard all day. I don’t think he knows about my uniform thing yet… we get on the phone and I ask him if he’d wear it for me. He is so, so down. Like… the kind of enthusiasm I’m really excited about. RAWR. He gets on the phone with me when he’s on the way and I’m doing my makeup- I like talking to him. He’s such a sweet, silly boy. Cracks my shit up all the time. He talked to me most of the way from him leaving the Fort Richardson gate to my house. Then he asks me if I want him to show up to my front door completely naked and just wearing his boots. YEAH, I DO. He’s not going to do it… this time… but the idea is in his head and I told him I’d write about it. I get the impression from him he’d do it. My kind of man.

So he gets to my house and invites me to smoke in his giant SUV. Ok, whatever, not usually my thing to hop in the vehicle of a strange man but he’s pretty chill so I go for it. As he’s pulling in he mentions how cute I look. Sold. I get in and the second he starts talking I interrupt him and ask if that’s a speech impediment I’m hearing. He kind of says no… he just has a slight lisp. SLIGHT MY ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! It’s even more pronounced than Ghost’s… ooooooh yeah. I feel my basement flood immediately. This kid has no idea how hot this is. Like… I feel like he should have said “This ain’t even my final form” in text and then just quoted an S heavy Dr. Suess book at me for foreplay. It would have worked. I’ll fuck a speech impediment right out of a man. I try to get him to understand how sexual it is for me, and he starts saying the allocution tongue twister Sarah sells seashells by the seashore. I could swallow him whole with my sarlaac pit, just get inside me already. I bring him in the house to grab my stuff, I’m driving us to the corner store to pick up cranberry juice for my gin- I need to catch up with his functioning alcoholic ass. On the way there he said the word sex and I had him repeat it over and over because of how incredibly hot it was. Shecks. *shivers down my spine* He says his lisp is more pronounced when he drinks, and the day after when he has cotton mouth. All I hear from that is “get me drunk all the time and take my clothes off.” Okily dokily. Twist my arm and shit why don’t you. He did tell me I could bathe him… I think I’d spend all day soaping him up and down. We head back to my place and I tell him about how my promoter wants me to get into video blogging on YouTube, but I’m nervous about it until I get in better shape and clean up my look a bit. I just don’t feel I’ve got the face for it at this time, but I will. He tells me not to be so harsh on myself, that I’m good looking, and I’ll do great. Dear, sweet boy… even Jenna Marbles has hecklers. I need to step my game up FIERCE to get into that arena.

He’s Native American and Russian and just hot as balls. After we pick up mixer we sit down to drink… he brought his guitar and starts strumming away some free style nonsense and it’s hilarious. Like… where has he been my whole life? Sing me stupid songs all day every day, please and thank you. He’s singing sweetly that he wished he’d brought duct tape because he’s kind of into light bondage, and also kind of into not so light bondage. I choked on gin laughing. I don’t allow restraints with strangers but I’d probably let this kid bind me up and have his way with me. I feel weirdly secure around him, like he’s just a tall sexy puppydog and not threatening at all. For instance, a tattoo on his ribs is a poem, and he writes poetry. His passion is writing, which I guess is partiallly why he was so drawn to me on the app we first met on; we have that in common, plus my openness with sex. He also mentioned the confidence it takes to write a sex blog was a big win- you’re god damn right this shit takes confidence, you should read my hate mail. But haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate… shake it off! Thank you T-Swift. I laughingly ask him if he brings his guitar to all his hookups, he tells me no. He mentions his guitar is his girl and he spends most of his free time with her in the barracks playing too loudly and bothering people. We made out on the couch a little bit, I think I straddled him at one point. I could kiss this impossibly hot boy any hour of any day. Not just because he’s so fine I actually lack the vocabulary to properly describe him, but also because he’s just an amazing kisser! That deep, wanting, passionate type of kissing you know just comes naturally to some people. Plus he’s moving his hands on me the way I like. I actually bought new undergarments and was test driving them tonight- he was a big fan. Hot pink with black lace, matching top to bottom. I saw the face you made when I gave you a peak. Oh yeah, smooth operator this one. We step outside to smoke and I think that’s where the kissing was initiated to begin with. He threw his cigarette and just scooped me up for some passionate make-out time. I’ll take it. I can’t say no to him.  He’s tall…  over 6 foot? Woof. Handsome face, big lips, brown eyes, strong jaw. He really is just masculine and beautiful. If he was paler he could easily pass as Eastern European, he has kind of a classic face. But I like his melanin just the way it is.

I get nice and toasty on gin and cranberry so I get into a groove dancing to some EDM on channel 803. Discretely behind my back he puts on his ACU’s without a shirt or the boots. I turn around and he’s just looking all kinds of fuckable. He really did bring his uniform just for me, and he put it on for me to appreciate sexually. I did not take it off him. No, I got too caught up kissing him and running my hands down his perfect body under the open ACU jacket. I drag him to the bedroom. You must fuck me now, I cannot wait any longer. He’s so aggressive and dominant I can hardly contain myself or my excitement. I’m kind of plastered at this time so it’s the perfect time. He didn’t take the uniform off. First he unhooked my bra under my shirt, and my entire top portion of clothing was thrown into another dimension (seriously, I can’t find my clothes in my room- where’d they go?) Then he strips off my matching panties. This is where I really need to start telling them up front not to do this- he fucking spit on me. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY Please don’t spit on my lady parts, I know they do it in porn but it’s really not sexy. He spit on me like 3 times to get me wetter, while he was abrasively rubbing and slapping my glove box. I was stripped, condom went on, banging commenced- and oh, what a night! Getting railed by some hard body 21 year old that likes to take control and be dominant, all night. This is my life and I’m never going back. Save the polite, mediocre sex for old married people- bring on the platters of young oiled men.

The sex itself is fucking phenomenal to say the least, I’m getting off regularly and loudly. When did he take out my Nuva Ring? Good boy, he knew it could be out for a couple hours for sex. For starters, he’s working with above average equipment. I’m not a size queen but if you’re good in bed a bigger dick is an added bonus. He’s working me like a machine, this kid likes to fuck. He warned me before he can’t do quickies and I get it… he went for hours. I gave him sloppy drunk head a couple times and he seemed very appreciative, until he forced it down my throat and I literally had to vomit in the sink for a minute or so. Don’t ruin a good time, fellas. I loved him forcing my hands down wherever he wanted them, flipping me around into whatever position he wanted, throwing and pulling my body to wherever he wanted it on the bed, pushing my head down from behind, pulling my hair… He definitely liked to drive, I attempted to take control a couple of times (to do things FOR HIM) but he wasn’t having it. There was wrassling, I think I have bruises. He said my magic words to make me cum hard, as often as I needed them said consecutively. There’s just something about a man growling into my ear, while he’s brutally giving me every inch he’s got, “I love fucking you” that just makes me erupt like a god damn geyser. We ended up with me bent over the side of the bed standing up and him working me, but things got a little too intense and he missed on the down stroke. It took a full second for my body to register what just happened and another full second for me to crawl up and away from him to cry for a while. That’s sexy, right? He doesn’t really get what just happened, but he apologizes nonetheless. As I’m writing this I’m sitting on a bag of frozen spinach, because my asshole is very, very upset with my life choices. Once I get over being a cry baby we continue. We finished in a way I’m not really accustomed to, he was on top in missionary but he put my legs together and was penetrating me between my thighs. I had to tilt my pelvis up a little to make it work but we got it done. Whatever you want, big guy.

His phone had been going off for a minute the last bit while we were screwing- turns out that was his alarm. He had to go to work now. I’m drunk. I know he’s still intoxicated. There’s been no sleep between us. It’s a mad dash for him to throw his uniform on properly and head out. He has to be there in 30 minutes and I live 25 minutes from his gate. He was still sipping rum from a Sprite bottle before he left. As he’s getting his stuff together he’s telling me I need to go write everything down from our encounter before I pass out and forget it all. Good job, I was typing before he left and got most of it down. I tell him I am so down to do this again some time, he is too but he’s got training and shit coming up so it may be a while. I’m not concerned, if it never happens again I still got a good lay out of it and he pushed all my buttons. I did try to fuck with him a little bit as he was getting dressed and collecting his things, and it didn’t even phase him. “Aside from the HIV I’m totally clean” is becoming my new favorite thing to say after sex. He didn’t even break stride, just kind of cracked a smile and kept doing what he was doing. That I find super sexy. I can make an obvious joke and he can take it.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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