Shenanigans.

What in the absolute fuck is going on in my life right now.

We spent the whole day getting awesomely laid by Juneau, off and on for around 6 hours. So long in fact we had to take a break and he ordered pizza- such a gentleman. That kid can lay it down. We started out with him just making out with her and playing with her tits while I went down on her expertly. She’s sober so I remember the combination to her lock and she gets a deep, fulfilling orgasm the way she deserves right off the bat. This is how we’ll probably start from now on, since she’s notoriously hard to get off otherwise. I know what I’m doing, let’s get hers first. I have to admit the best feeling in the world is when the thighs start to squeeze your head like a grape and you wish you could just grow gills. Highlights include weird triangle moments of oral and hand stimulation, and he stacked Valkyrie on top of me at one point so he’s railing her from behind and I’m clutching onto her from underneath. The sandwich fuck as we call it. He’s a biter and we’re both showing some battle wounds. Her nipples may never recover. My marks are on my nape for the most part… except for the giant bite on my fucking throat I didn’t notice all god damn day.

I had to go run an errand for a couple Airmen- everybody loves LSD, just saying. We ended up finishing sexy time with him fucking Valkyrie as she awkwardly tried to finish me off with my vibrator. I like to drive so I just took over and finished myself off. My O was loud and resonating, threw my legs over the bed and went about my business of taking a shower and getting ready. They finished up on their own, which is cool by me because I was done, son. Another point to mention in this sexcapade is all the body worship we participated in with Juneau together. Literally just laying around naked with him, stroking his abs and shoulders and arms. He’s very pretty, we’re appreciative of his beauty. He has a gorgeous ass that both Valkyrie and I cannot stop touching- she’s got nails so she’s lightly dragging them along the length of his body and making him shiver. I should get my nails done… It should be noted that he refused to cum ALL DAMN DAY. He wanted to make sure we got ours in ABUNDANCE before he finished, and every time he got close he slowed it down and thought about baseball or something until he could keep going without interruption. That’s the mark of a real man, I tell ya. One small critique I could give is not to treat lady partners as the same person, but equally, in that she is very hard to get off so spending 20 minutes laying into her is totally cool… provided I get my 20 minutes as well, regardless of the fact I get an orgasm every 2 or 3 minutes like an egg timer. Just because I get one doesn’t mean my time is over. But, we can work on that. I’m not scared to make improvements.

We started out at the strip club around 10:30ish and I had a Canadian paratrooper meet us there (spoiler alert, that’s a new thing stamped on my sexual bingo card now.) Fun fact, I learned Canada has a real military and they’re not just moose with funny hats or RCMP’s. The second he spoke Valkyrie and I were smitten- accent? Speech impediment? Little of both? Whatever, that kid had just some kind of hotness in his voice. Kid because he’s 21 (Valkyrie is now fully onboard with the youngsters, by the way. It only took a couple nights at my house and she’s in full cradle robbing mode now.) We were accompanied by my friend who’s a former NCO and possibly the loudest, most aggressive, hilariously abrasive motherfucker on the planet. His sidepiece, as they call each other, is a doctor and my new favorite female friend to keep in my pocket for emergency medical advice. Anyway… Doc and Viking were on a tear and we joined in. The tequila was flowing. You know it’s getting serious when we’re toasting to Odin and scaring the shit out of everybody around us. I almost felt bad for those baby faced GI’s sitting next to us, as Viking is yelling they smell of PT belt. He’s got a voice that carries so efficiently the club DJ stopped everything at the first sign of being heckled. Sorry not sorry, don’t interrupt good songs to blather on about dumb shit- nobody gives a shit about what you’re talking about, that song is dope. I swear some people with a microphone just like to hear themselves talk more than they like to do their job. (This is me as well, but I live by the phrase ‘you hate in others what you see in yourself.’)

Moving on. Made a new dancer friend who is in absolute love with my blog and my attitude to get all the dicks, on my terms. I plan very seriously on getting dancers involved in whatever project comes of this, along with local comedians and funny ladies. Look out world, it’s us against you. Things really started heating up when Viking decided his lap dances were better than the dancers, and I’m not going to lie… they were. He was hate-grinding on our Canadian all night and making fun of him. We must have said “sorry” a million times in our cheesiest mock Canadian accent. Viking and I are best friends for life at this point, I love his shit talk and I can take it all night. The last time we went to the strip club together he loudly announced that I’ve fucked more soldiers than his chain of command; clearly that’s inaccurate because I’m nowhere near done yet. (Also I had no idea Bush Co was the military hot spot, talk about a target rich environment!) At one point Valkyrie and I are sitting at the stage when the dancer who loves my blog was doing her floating pole tricks. FYI, impressive as fuck. She comes down to show us some love and takes our tops off, and our bras. What do you do in that scenario? Makeout. There was much cheering… I am uncomfortable, my boundaries have been crossed- but that’s healthy, so I roll with it. I’m content with nobody really wanting to see *me* topless, but I’m the one making out with the other topless girl who happens to be way hotter. So go fuck your hand some more while you think of lame insults to mutter at me. 🙂 Things got really hot and heavy in our booth. The Canadian was making out with Doc, and Valkyrie at different intervals. Security came and warned us to cool it down a bit or we’d have to leave. Is this going to turn into a 5some… it’s looking like it, and I’m not sure I’m down. I like Viking and Doc, I prefer to keep my sex and my friends separate when at all possible. I have 2 or 3 of my blog worthy lovers on my personal Facebook to keep up with my life, but we don’t spend any real time together. Doc inquires if it bothers me they might be stealing my man-flesh for the night and I very quickly nip that in the bud. You can absolutely have him, I’ve got backups upon backups. IN FACT he wasn’t actually our intended suiter for the night so I was fairly indifferent about taking him home with us at all. It’s time to leave so we all head out.

Soory, which is his name now, was hanging onto Valkyrie and came with us. Okie dokie, better do a good job kid. As he had not been properly vetted, this is 50/50 crap shoot. But we’re both fairly toasted so even if he’s not great we can throw him out and finish up on our own… or call in a spotter. I wonder what he looks like naked…. surprise, abs for days! Hooray! I want to scrub my laundry on them. He’s got a rock hard adorable ass, and all I could hear in my head as I touched it was SQUATS, SQUATS, SQUAT SQUATS to the tune of Shots by Lil John. Our actual humping is a bit of a fuzzy, hazy memory but I remember getting off once or twice. Not particularly impressive, but at least it was something right? He had us giggling a bunch, I remember that. And he couldn’t get his dick to work properly, or cum, so he accused it of bringing shame upon his country. That made my whole night. (He laughed with me that I’m a cruel, cruel lass for telling a horrendously bad lay, who happened to be a soldier on leave, that I had HIV just to scare the shit out of him after our condom slipped off. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny. Don’t think I’m not going to ruin your day for wasting my god damn time, what a worthless turd.) At one point I gifted him prostate play and he seemed to like it, I think he’ll be exploring that more in private at his discretion. I asked him why or how he ended up coming home with us when it looked more like he’d be doing the two man 3some with Doc and Viking- he clarifies he was down for pound town with us and saw the window of opportunity closing so he just went for it. Good boy. Before he left in the early AM he snuck in one more bang with Valkyrie while I mostly just stayed on my side and wondered how long it would take until he left, haha. Should I say snuck? I doubt there was any sneaky behavior involved, they were literally having sex next to me. She was mostly asleep and remembers almost nothing other than it gave her an orgasm which is rare for her with just penetration. Good for him, good for her, now get out so I can go function on 1 hour of sleep all day. I was hungover AND crabby. But I got my monthly STD screening in with one eye open and looking like a trainwreck first thing in the morning, which I feel is now my preferred way to go in for it. The receptionist for my doc loves my blog, by the way. So eat it.

Soory seemed to favor Valkyrie more which isn’t really unexpected as she’s the better looking of us. Eh, whatever. He won’t be a repeat so I just grin and bear it, she’s having fun and we can talk about how this can be improved next time so we both get a little more equal treatment. I get it, the hotter one is the one you want to fuck more… but here’s the deal, this is MY rodeo. That’s MY lady friend, this is MY  bed, this is MY coordinated effort for sexy time. I will not be a 3rd wheel to my own 3some, so man up children because it won’t be tolerated again. Valkyrie got in three 3somes this weekend with me, she’s been properly inducted. Time to play fair and get mine, all of mine. This is called being a team player- I didn’t make a stink about it, I didn’t make a scene, I didn’t make a big deal out of it, and I didn’t make it awkward. I made sure my girl was properly taken care of and then we talked about it like adults. I’m not going to resent her for their favoritism; they’ll be thrown out and replaced WITHOUT FINISHING. That’s the important thing to note. So if you’ve never had a 3some with two women and you’re unsure of what to do, keep that simple thought in mind. Treat them equally, generously, and thoroughly.

The rest of my morning after was a rush of errands and social time with friends. My body started to ache somewhere in the middle of the day and hasn’t stopped, I feel like I got hit by a bus. Maybe three 3somes in a couple days is too much, too fast. hahahaha CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP! Too much is never enough and anything worth doing is worth over-doing.

 

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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