Night of the Valkyrie

What do you call two Norwegian broads out on the town to cause trouble and get awesomely laid? A good fuckin’ time, that’s what. Let’s recap what I remember because it’s hazy and it only happened a few hours ago. To start, a girl is back in my life whom I love dearly and will always seek out for company be it friendly or otherwise. Her name henceforth will be Valkyrie. She’s taller than me by a solid half foot, beautiful, and easily one of the most fun and hilarious women I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting let alone bedding. You’d be lucky to have her fart on your cereal. Now that she’s back, she’s back with the same vengeance I’m feeling- we’re here to get our orgasms and take over the world. BRING ON THE MEN! I decided early on the first man we would bed together, as our first 3some, would be Joker. He’s the perfect man-slut for our purposes; attractive, funny, a good lover, goes down for days, hangs out between and after sexy time. Yes, please. I’m bringing my girl into my world, she needs a banging introduction. This motherfucker is so down we’re going to have a Cannibal Holocaust and Chill date with him. You read that right, snuff film and sex. The perfect fucking combo.

We started out at Chilkoot Charlies (Koots) for a comedy show- Billy Wayne Davis is fucking hilarious, by the way. I could listen to that silly Southern man any day. I may or may not have heckled a local talent, but I met up with him later and smoothed it over. I like him, too. Anyway, the bartender at the Birdhouse liked us enough to give us both 3 Patron shot margaritas because fuck it. We continued with tequila all night until our Check Liver light came on. When the bar got boring we wanted to see some titties and naked ladies, off to Fantasies. It was nearly dead so we took off pretty quickly and went to Bush Company. On the way there we were belting out the Lion King soundtrack in the car. We’re talking kings and succession, even you can’t be caught unawares. God damn Jeremy Irons, your voice was so sexy. This is why I love her so much; who the fuck else is going to give a power ballad performance to Disney with me on the way to adult activities? Fuckin’ nobody. This chick gets me, and I get her. I get her all night haha! We arrive and take our places front and center of the stage. Turns out I left my debit card at Fantasies, woops, no worries Valkyrie has cash so we throw some dollars up and begin the fun times.

I should mention that my phone was in various stages of dying and dead all night, which apparently upsets the man-harem I keep on standby for sexy time. Sorry, bros. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Joker hadn’t gotten back to me in a few hours so I had about given up on him anyway for the night when my phone died the first time. Plug it in, I see I have missed calls and messages from him. He is impatient with my lack of responding. I’ve done it again. I call him, and when he answers I demand snu snu. Meet us at The Bush. Valkyrie is yelling into the phone “DTF!” Could not have been more true. We’re primed. We go outside to smoke and makeout for a little bit, a crowd gathers. At this point we’re soaking it up… the thought crosses my mind to look over at the sea of baby faced, clean shaven (obvious soldiers) and just pick one to take home with us. Not tonight, we’ve got a date with destiny- but definitely in the future we’ll pluck a young stud from his group and take him home. We might eat him, we might fuck him. We’ll decide on the way there. Or fuck him and then eat him, that’s an option. One little fucko decided to congratulate Joker as it was obvious he was our man for the night. I corrected him loudly and aggressively that no praise goes to the man for our impending bedding. No. I made this happen. You will give me all the accolades you little shit. He’s scared and apologizes. I refuse to allow a man get the high fives for taking home two women in our scenario- we picked him. He’s onboard with this as well; inside a dancer had asked if we were his for the night. He corrected her that he was ours. That’s the truth. We’re together for the night regardless, the man-meat was hand selected to compliment our lady business. I make mention at the club of my preference for Hispanic men, preferably the shorter the better, and he reminds me how much I dig his taller Puerto Rican ass. Troof. Honestly I’m banging so many Hispanics at this point that my life is basically a Tela Novela on Skinamax.

Ok, time to bounce out because there’s no containing these raging hormones any longer. The vaginas must be appeased. The whole way home we’re blasting Hakuna Matata. Once home we needed to make the bed as I had just washed all my bedding. That was a chore. Joker walk in with his shirt off as I’m putting the sheets on, clearly the clothes need to come off of all of us. 1-2-poof! Slut magic, I’m naked. We pounce on Valkyrie- she’s hanging halfway off the bed while Joker works her upper body and I go down on her. I’ve been to this particular restaurant many times before so I now how to order and what to do. We get to fuckin’ and it’s pretty great. I’m glad he really took a shine to her because she needed to be introduced to this lifestyle with some pizazz. Next time I think we’ll be a little more 50/50, but I remember at the strip club telling him to make sure to give her lots of attention so I’m not in any way butthurt or feeling left out. I was very pleased to watch her get plowed while he whispered how tight she is. He’s said the same about me, I’m a fan. Here’s some fuzzy memories of what I can recall:

  • She went down on me for the first time since I was 16 and we used to hook up- and she’s gotten much better at it.
  • He got off at least twice and we used condoms the whole time (thank god he’s not a jerk that would have taken advantage of our inebriation and just not worn one. Not that condoms matter because I’m dead inside.)
  • He ended up winning a game of ring toss with my Nuva Ring birth control. Pick out your prize from the wall.
  • I put my bra on him at some point and we fucked him; I told her to ride his face and I rode his nether-region. Drunk me is hilarious. You’re welcome. I do what I want and apparently I wanted him to wear my fucking bra. What are infantry called again? Queen of battle? HAHAHAHAHAHA Well, only the worthy reach Valhalla… which is what we’re calling our 3somes from now on.
    • Sidenote, how much more can I get away with when participating in a 3some? I’m issuing myself a personal challenge. Stories to follow.
  • Double lady blow job madness. That’s right. We totally took him on at the same time. Double the pleasure, double the fun. I don’t know if we were any good at it, as it was our first time and a bit uncoordinated… but I think in time we’ll get the hang of it.
  • Round 2 he went down on her while I played with him, until he couldn’t take it any longer and had to fuck her solid. He took her to the edge of the bed and railed her while I clutched her and held her through her quaking and shaking. She’s difficult to get off sober, so it’s no surprise she didn’t reach climax this night… but she enjoyed the ride and I enjoyed her. I really liked her clinging to me in ecstasy and watching him work his peen magic.
  • After fuckin’ I tell him of my plan to hide a note under the toilet seat in my bathroom to freak out the males who come over. Something good like “Bro, he’s post-op. Run.” Or “Guess where the camera is?” Something fun. Maybe I’ll put positive pregnancy tests in the garbage in plain sight in the bathroom. I know enough pregnant chicks, this is easily doable. I tell him my plan, he laughs. I’m glad you get me, too.
  • We passed out after some light chit chat (with Joker at the foot of the bed like a big lazy dog,) only to awaken to his phone ringing “Hotline Bling” by Drake. I remember telling her about this last time, we both start giggling. He confirmed all his hookups are in a group on his phone with this ringtone. I fucking love this guy so hard. We giggle but make no movement, he casually gets up, gets dressed, and leaves. Get it, Sergeant. Fuck all the ladies you machine.
After he leaves us we are out. Naked, spooning, surrounded by empty condom wrappers. Is this heaven? It might be. We half wake up a few times and we’re both paying for the excessive drinking from the night before. Hangover city up in this bitch, we’ve got headaches coming in like a fucking freight train. It’s a Tylenol and pancake kind of day. I ended up yakking water and foam before we left, because I’m a classy lady and I don’t barf in MY car. Yours, sure. Not mine. I had passed out with my makeup on so I woke up looking ROUGH. Didn’t bother to fix it, PAAAAAANCAAAAAAAAAAAKES. I am a treasure.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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