New Years with Luigi

God damn I’ve wanted this soldier for almost 2 months, and it finally came to fruition out of the blue. Yes please and thank you, I’ll have another. Another go at him, that is. Let’s back up because the prelude to this encounter makes it so much better, you need to fully understand how desert-parched thirsty I was for this hot little meatball (which is what I planned on calling him on the blog once we had a chance to rally.) He chatted me up on POF and it was lust at first sight. We got to texting and sexting fairly quickly, even segued into some pretty salacious Skype masturbation sessions together. I’m all about this guy, I want him to make me cum all the ways. I shall refrain from calling him kid, because he’s 27. Ugh, what is with me and Golden Girls these days? Whatever, he looks younger, I’ll take it. (Actually the guys over 25 are usually better anyway.)

To start, he’s 5’5”-ish. Yummmm You know my thing about short dudes, they’ll rock that gash all night just to prove a point. Please take years of abuse out on me in the way of good sex, good sir. Fuck. Me. I want him so bad. He’s fun to talk to, he makes me feel super hot, and he pushes my motherfuckin’ buttons. RAWR. Brown skin, strong jaw, thick neck. I daydream about the rest of him being beefy and ridiculously attractive. Italian and Puerto Rican, from New York. Ugh mah gaaaaahd, you know that accent comes out when he’s drinking. I can’t hear it in our video chats or phone calls, but I know it’s hiding in there- like a Boston accent does. Then… radio silence. We had a night planned in advance, but my menstrual cycle decided to rear it’s ugly fucking head and spoil my fun… he seemed understanding, but maybe he thought I blew him off? My snap chats go viewed an unanswered. Boo. Fuck it, on to the next. But I’m still hung up on him; not lovey-dovey feels bullshit. No, I just WANTED this one. There’s a song by NOFX called “Whatever Didi Wants” that I live by, and it’s truest in moments like this.

So a week or so ago he just randomly sends me a text saying he’s back in town, having gone on leave for a bit. Cool story, bruh. I want to pretend I’m badass and better than that, but truth be told the second I saw I had a message from him I did my happy dance. I give exactly zero shits about pride in the matters of getting what I want. I give him updates on the blog and how it might be taking off- he seems happy for me. Happy enough he re-iterates he wants to be on it… good, good. We don’t make a plan and my offer to see him on a weekend goes unanswered. WHATEVER, DICK. I’m kidding, don’t leave me again. Not until I have you, my precious. I guess I’m glad he didn’t know how creepily butthurt I was about his lack of enthusiasm. WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME LIKE THE OTHER BOYS DO!? WHY CAN’T I QUIT YOU!? Deep breath. Hey look, new Tinder messages! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming in this sea of dicks.

New Years Eve rolls around and I have a “no sex on holidays” rule, as in I’m not setting up a date for NYE to finish off the celebratory nature of the night. Nope, whatever hole you’re trying to fill on NYE by hitting up a fat girl on Tinder, it isn’t attached to me. The sex is guaranteed to be awful. You should be out celebrating with your friends… if you had them, or if you’re near them. I can’t replace that with my squish mitten. So I pick up my swolemate and we head over to the gays for pre-game before we go hit the town. I send out a text to a few of my favorites, he responded wanting to know where I was for the night… and he was downtown. Interesting, so am I and everybody else in Anchorage. He wants to meet me tonight. This is where my density is truly apparent; I’m not really good with vague terms, and I’m not currently up to date with how people allude to sex indirectly. I thought he meant meet as in meet in person, like… check me out, see if I’m up to snuff, get back at me later about sexy time if I met the requirements. Girly and I go have a drink at The Avenue and it’s waaaaaaay too full of hot douchey bros for our old asses. Time to go! He says he’ll meet us right after midnight and I’m cool with that; however I wait for no boy, at least not for long. I tell him we’re going to bounce out after we meet him, we as in my girl and I. He apparently thought I meant I was taking him with, and he was ALL FOR IT. I’m not going to correct him, I’ll count that as fate intervening with my inability to get the job done on my own. We end up outside the Federal Building killing time waiting for my glass of water to walk his ass over to us from whatever bar he was in. In that time some poor unfortunate soul fell in the street, it looked painful. His friend asked me for a cigarette and I made my favorite demand: show me your dick. This is one of my most cherished activities; getting straight men to expose their penis in public in trade for a cigarette. It’s even funnier when I don’t have one and they do the thing on good faith. Got ya, suckafish! I might be a jerk.

Moving on, my man flesh arrives and he’s so much hotter in person. He joked with me earlier that he looks like a lesbian talk show host and I lost my shit- funny dudes have a direct line to my sillyspot every time. I wonder if he noticed my excitement. I just wanna touch him all over. I’m actually taller than him in my heeled boots, which delights me to no end whatsoever. We go see the gays and they’re busy having some barely legal 3some. Right as we decide to leave they finish up their business and my girl chooses to stay behind with them- super, I don’t have to drive her home and I get him all to myself in my car. Will he make a move on me while I’m driving? While at the gays I am laying it on THICK how proud I am to have caught such a fine looking man for the night. No shame in my fucking game (fucking-game!) every once in a while I get a trophy and I count this one as such. I wanted the boys to see him and appreciate his hotness with me. I’m going to be enjoying more of it when we hit the sheets, but somebody has to get on board with me that he’s fine as hell before then. Everybody is in agreement, I done good. YAAASSSSSSS. Ok, enough showing him off- it’s probably making him moderately uncomfortable to be talked about like a piece of meat to a bunch of strangers. I only said good things! That counts for something!

In the car on the way home he recognizes a Kylie Minogue song… swoon, motherfucker. Have you caught the gay? Because this bitch is my god damn hero and you’re climbing the ladder to my happy place pretty quick just by knowing her. We get to my place and we start talking about nothing in particular. He’s got this excitement and personality I dig, and a great smile to boot. I notice his accent at this point… and it sounds super familiar… like, it’s hitting me right in the childhood and I can’t place it for a while. Then the lightbulb came on- motherfucker sounds like John Liguizamo from Super Mario Brothers when he’s intoxicated. I can barely contain my giddy excitement. The more he talks the more I hear it. I’m banging Luigi tonight and I don’t feel weird about it at all. Keep talking. He’s literally talking about famous body builders, and famous people he’s met. (Apparently Leonardo DiCaprio is super weird.) I bet he slays with the ladies, rawr! At one point he mentioned having worked at a Bed Bath & Beyond and it struck me he’s fairly atypical for his current employment situation- how many infantrymen do you know with a business degree? Oh and he’s Airborne which I cannot find sexier- holy shit, jump out of allllllllll those planes. We’re like standing around awkwardly talking and he takes a seat on the couch, so I come sit next to him- the second I’m within touching distance it’s all over and the flags go up. He puts his hand up my skirt on my outer thigh, and brought me in close to kiss. Oh yeah, those lips! I tell him he smells good and he tells me he farted. I can’t lie, he’s seriously hitting all of my buttons tonight- CAN EVERY GUY PLEASE BE FUNNY? PLEASE? I wanna bite him! I throw my leg over and straddle his lap, he’s pulling my skirt and my shirt up getting to my business. One, two, three my clothes are off and I’m dragging him to the bedroom because I’m way too old and crotchety for a couch session. Once in the bedroom he’s fussing with me as I’m making my bed (I’m particular!) The second it’s satisfactory we get in, he’s already stripped now so it’s go time.

Taking off my panties he throws my legs back to sample my wares- this was not recommended on my part but I’m also not going to argue. I’d rather not be a day into walking around, dancing, and whatnot before oral. Whatever, he wants to find the little man in the boat and flick him with his tongue, go for it. I’M JUST SAYING IT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTTER FOR BOTH OF US if I’d had a chance to go take a shower and like… look less like a dumpster fire. Not arguing. Sweaty ham wallet is not my favorite thing in the world to put my face into, is all I’m saying. He pulls his underwear down, not off, and starts rubbing my lady bits with his manly bits. This makes me super nervous and I don’t think men really get how safe sex works, because they seem genuinely surprised when I throw a condom at them and pull away. Yes, skin to skin contact of our genitals is unsafe. Wrap and double tap! He rolls it on and goes to work. I have been fantasizing about this penetrative moment FOREVER and it’s finally happening. His endowment feels GREAT, and I love that he kept one of my legs in the crook of his arm for a great deal of our missionary time. Fuck, those arms… oof. This dude is a BEAST. He’s not all cut up and ripped, but he’s beefy and just perfect. Love it. Love that body.

We flip around to different positions a few times, I definitely love how he fucks me. To start, he dirty talks. Not my usual flavor of dirty talk, but I like a vocal man regardless, PROVIDED he’s not insulting or degrading me. That shit doesn’t fly. Other than that, I can get into it usually. He wouldn’t say my magic words that make me cum, but he did tell me this dick was mine and he owned my pussy. Yep, those are both correct statements while you’re nailing me like an outspoken Jew. I’ll take it. That accent though, and his general cadence in his speech, so hot and kind of hilarious now that I can’t get Luigi out of my head. The NYC comes out real quick when he’s getting head, by the way. Did he just slap me while his dick is in my mouth? AHAHAHAHA Please, please, please never stop being this guy. I thought I was finishing him off with my mouth because I figured he was close to cumming… I do my business for a bit, he’s getting into it, but no dice. He’s talking all kinds of sex talk at me while I’m blowing him, but then he tells me to get back on top. OK! Ugh so good, I can swivel on it and he grabs me up to plow me from underneath. He tosses me back on my back and just keeps going! I swear to god he was fueled by alcohol because that man fucks like a machine. He’s been pulling my hair all the ways I like, in every position. I’ve been getting off regularly this whole time so I am a complete Slip & Slide towards the end- our thighs are wet and slippery, I keep having to awkwardly guide him back in with my tiny T-Rex arms when he slips out. I want him to cum because I am tapped the fuck out at this point, but I’m not going to end it without his orgasm. He slows down and his breathing changed, climax achieved! Or maybe he faked it, I dunno. I asked if he wanted to take a break like 3 times and he just kept telling me “No, I’m fine baby.” Fine, fuck me until you pass out! See if I complain! I tell him that was some great dick, and he tells me it was great pussy. Well thanks, soldier! I mention the safe sex issue that needed to be addressed, and then I told him other than the  HIV I’m totally clean. Didn’t even phase him. Apparently I can say anything to a man when they’re recovering from railing my fuckpuzzle. When he fell over after his orgasm he told me it was a T.K.O.  I win.

Post-coital talky time was absolutely hysterical. Remember my thing about nerds making the best lovers? Ok so having a BA in business is one thing, but this short shit motherfucker started talking about Pokémon tournaments and how he’d still kick his twin brother’s ass for beating him at it. I’m dying. Straight up white girl status, I literally can’t even. How do I appreciate this man any more than I do at this moment!? I could listen to him talk shit about his brother, and anybody else regarding Pokémon games, all night. That’s some loveable comedic shit right there. I wonder what he’s like at work in the Army… he mentions there was a time some kid soldier was speaking out very loudly against gays, and he stepped in to set him straight that plenty of gays back home in NYC could kick his little ass. Who’s the faggot now? That’s legit knowledge to hand down, by the way. I’ve seen enough Cazwell music videos to know the gay culture in NYC is waaaaaaay different than here in Alaska. Anyway, I need to take his drunk ass home (I wasn’t aware he was as intoxicated as he was until this moment. I’m not a fan of taking drunk guys home with me, but whateva.) He tells me he’s gonna kick my ass at Halo and I politely corrected him that I’ll rape him with a plasma pistol for even looking at me funny. It’s on like Donkey Kong, I’ll spank you up and down the map. That is, if I see him again. I don’t put too much faith into the promises of men after a roll in the sheets, but I’d love to rally on some xbox with him. He said he’d be down to “just hang out sometime” so we’ll see. One and done, Friends with Benefits, or just casual acquaintances that sometimes fuck/ fucked once works for me. I don’t have a whole lot in the way of crazy attachment so I can take it or leave it. I got my night with him, I’m satisfied. 🙂 He mentioned something about wanting a plant in his room so I grabbed up one of my Creeping Charlie clones I potted and told him how to take care of it. You’re welcome, here’s some life to keep around.

I take him all the way home on base and promptly got fucking lost trying to retrace my path. Aimlessly driving around Fort Richardson at 3am is horrifying- all those god damn buildings look the same. Hated it. Found my way out and got home safely. I hadn’t been drinking heavily at all- in fact, I had 2 drinks total in the night. Happy New Year! 2016 is already starting off with a bang!!

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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