French, Canadian, Spiderman- out of towners are my favorite

The Scottsman and Ghost were out of towners and it was phenomenal. I’ve come to realize maybe that’s more my interest in this journey; they’re generally older, wiser, and not interested in any drama or negativity. They just want some company, a good night together, and then to move on back to their busy lives- which parallels exactly what I want. I want to fall in love for a night; conversation, laughing… and then the next day go back to my happy existence free of the shackles of monogamy. Who wouldn’t want to perpetually live in the honeymoon stage of a relationship? Where everything the person says is interesting, you’re laughing at the jokes because they’re fresh, and feel that intense spark of passion building with every touch… it’s kind of perfect. Long term I’ve got my emotional needs met through my gay besties; I get to be their wifey, and they’re my super hot husband couple. I love them with everything I’ve got, and they love me right back. It’s perfect. Physically I’ve got needs to be met, and the availability to do it freely. This is really the perfect scenario for me right now. The absolute best part though, is sharing with them the pics of the men pursuing me sexually and getting the pat on the back to “get it, girl.”

I took to bed a Frenchman from London- a bit kinky, but you can say just about anything in a French accent and make it doable. I’ve never liked degradation in the bedroom but the way he said ‘slutty’ was just over-the-top hot. And I don’t really feel like he was saying it as a put down per se, more like an embracement. He embraced the slutty, encouraged it, reveled in it. We can be slutty together. I enjoyed how sex-positive he was and I can only hope more people come to embrace this type of mentality. He was beautiful, in his 30’s, well endowed, and very interested in making me squirt. Something I found particularly endearing was his interest in losing that last little bit of extra covering his abs. He had abs! You could feel them, they were rock solid, but he had some squish on top that just wouldn’t leave. He pinched his skin and complained about getting older. In that moment I realized there is no perfection, there is no attainment of absolute satisfaction in one’s body. He was perfect in every way but he couldn’t accept it. It made a little more sense why he was so keen on taking a bigger girl to bed. After our romp we cuddled naked and talked about health- exchanging recipes, he gave me some tips to help mold my body to what I want it to be, and encouraged me to do whatever I wanted with my life to find happiness. If there was ever a people to lay naked on a bed with and talk about food, French people are it- they’re passionate.

My Canadian comes through Alaska fairly frequently, he said about once a month, for work. I picked him up after having had a pretty great day already and it was so early- I was riding the high of positivity. I unloaded on him what a great day I was having, and apologized for my energy if it was off-putting. He laughed and told me it was great to see someone so enthusiastic. We headed to The Avenue downtown to catch a drink or two and feel each other out. He’s stocky in all the right ways- a powerhouse of a man, all strength. In his 30s, handsome, with a very slight accent. I mention it’s barely noticeable and I was actually expecting more of a Trailer Park Boys sounding Canadian. He was amused and said he lived on the other side of Canada. Whatever Canook, you sound adorable. I bet if I’d gotten him drunk it would’ve come out more. We get some laughs at the hookup culture we find ourselves in- he finds the idea of women playing hard to get on Tinder hilarious, and I recount to him the men and boys who ask if they’re my first hookup or the many ways they try to sniff out if they’re the only one- because being first is more important than being the best. That’s the mark of a bad lover, every time. He tells me how him and his ex-wife were polyamorous so the idea of his lady partners being with other partners is of no concern- he doesn’t get hung up on territorial leg pissing bullshit. Win. He’s also sex-positive, and I can tell we’re going to get along swimmingly. I tell him I’m generally fairly dominant and I’m not very interested in continuing that in the bedroom, however I’m also not subservient in the bedroom. He tells me he likes to Dom. Perfect, let’s tango. I really enjoyed our time together, he slapped me around which was new for me- but he’d obviously had some practice at it because he knew where, when, and how hard to do it. He also told me to shut the fuck up when I demanded dirty talk. Yes, please. We started out with face time, and he was an absolute expert at it. He ate me like it was going out of fucking style. I squirmed off the bed a few times, and he just grabbed me and put me back where I belonged. Roughly, too. That man was a BEAST. He also didn’t like my hands doing anything and would regularly restrain them by the wrist. After all was said and done with our genitals, we snuggled and talked about our families. Weird, I know, but we’re both adults in our 30’s so it’s not out of the ordinary to have obligations at home. I like his relationship with his ex- I envy how they’re co-parenting the kids without any drama. Their whole relationship was different, though, so I assume they just didn’t run into the same problems that monogamous couples did- polyamory is so interesting. I keep twisting his wrist to look at his watch, because I have to get back to Momazon life relatively shortly. He gets it. I’m a bit nervous that maybe I wasn’t really his cup of tea, as I’m not super into being subservient- no, I’m a great lay he tells me, and I’m fun. He tells me he wants to see me when he comes through Anchorage if I’m open to it- he’s not going to chase me or play games, so it’s up to me if I’d like to do this again. Uh, duh! I take him back to his hotel and we text a bit- he tells me he wished he had his “kit” for our encounter. How intriguing… he sends me pictures of whips- he makes them. Next time will be even funner!

Spider man, spider man- ok so I get matched on Tinder with a cute 30 something who’s up here on business. He travels the world, he’s busy. Neat. His opening line to me is a reference to Clockwork Orange (as I have it also mentioned in my bio.) I respond in kind, and we go back and forth for a moment. I already dig this guy, he’s up to snuff. I can tell we’re hitting it off, and he’s kind of cocky but in the good way that says he’s not a prick. He tells me “what plans are you canceling tonight so we can hang out?” Obviously all of them you delightful man! We exchange numbers and start making plans- he invites me out to dinner but I’m not really interested. I don’t like the pretense of a date when I’m not looking to date- also, why kid ourselves? Demanding or expecting a dinner date just to close the deal and get down is a watered down version of prostitution, I’d rather just meet and greet. A woman knows within 5 minutes of meeting a man if she’s interested in sleeping with him. We vote to have him drop his car off at my home and I’ll drive us to the Longbranch right down the road. Grab a couple drinks, if we’re feeling it we can go back to my place. If we’re not feeling it, no harm no foul- the company should be good regardless because he seems pretty interesting from the text conversation we had. He gets to my house and comes in- he’s taller than I expected, and I definitely find him attractive. He’s got kind of a goofy, awkward demeanor but not in an off-putting way. We get in my car and the song Dancing on my Own by Robyn is playing- this fool starts singing the words! Swoon! Turns out he also goes to Taylor Swift concerts with his little sister and even wore a Swifty-themed shirt to the event. This is my kind of man; secure enough in his manhood he doesn’t give two shits about keeping up appearances. He asks me if I think it’s weird he likes this kind of music, and I shoot him with “nah, all my friends are gay dudes.” He laughs. SCORE! He can take a joke! Yeah, I dig him.

We get to Longbranch and order drinks- he’s buying, which is not my style BUT I’ll allow it. He excuses himself to the bathroom and I get on my phone which has been vibrating non-stop. He comes out, walks over to me, grabs my face and plants a big, wonderful, passionate kiss on me. I get that tingle in the base of my spine, sweet like a Chica Cherry Cola. Another bonus with this person is he drinks gin with me- I drink Tom Collins’, he drinks gin and tonic. I like a man who drinks gin, it’s medicinal for the soul. During our talking we’ve gotten progressively more and more intimate in our proximity to each other, he’s maintaining touching my hand or arm and I’m maintaining eye contact. I like keeping extended eye contact when I meet someone from the apps, confidence is key and also if I make them uncomfortable we both know who the boss is. We got nice and toasty, and it’s definitely time to go home together. The sex was GREAT and I enjoyed every minute of it- once again, a well endowed partner that didn’t feel the need to brag about his dick size because he already knew it would be more than adequate. Take note. He also has difficulty getting off, so he focuses his energy on getting his partner to the moon and back several times- which he did. His face action was superb. Post-coital snuggles I ask him, since he makes a 6 figure salary, why he doesn’t just hire expensive, gorgeous escorts to entertain him on short stays like this- apparently he really didn’t give a shit if he got laid at all, he just wanted some conversation worth having. I’m beyond flattered, I mean who knows how genuine that sentiment really is but it tickled me none-the-less. He certainly wasn’t lacking in the looks department, or the ability to obtain high-end tail. End of the night, he needs to head back to his hotel to sleep- invites me to go with if I’d like. Yes. I actually really do miss sleeping next to someone, and the sleepy-time cuddles that go along with it. He drives. We have morning sex as awkwardly as possible on the rickity hotel bed, and he takes me home. He mentions that he’ll be back in AK in January or February, and would like to see me again. I’m all about it. He flew out to China a few days later- I’m so envious of the interesting life he leads.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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