Fooking Haggis

I’m chatting with this adorable bearded boy from Tinder, trying to convince him to come out dancing with me and the gays. He’s not having it. Apparently he’s very tired. I’m having none of his excuses, get out and come dance with me boy. He mentioned having a Scottish accent, but I’m fairly sure he’s lying. My bio mentions I have a weakness for Gingers, uniforms, and accents. Finally I say fuck it and give up on him- I’ll find one at the bar I like and take them home instead. Fast forward to the morning, he texts me. He’s just as adorable today as he was yesterday. I like the way he conveys himself in text- he’s fun, and sweet. My kinda date. By date I mean lay.

I make the decision to drive across town ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN because the Sheraton is basically 3 states away from my house. I’m slightly hungover. I want company. I have limited time to be alone before I go back to Momazon. He tells me he has very limited time as well before he catches his first of several flights back to Florida. Is it worth it? I’m taking a gamble here… but he seems fun. I tell him not to disappoint me, and I demand he calls me because I wanna hear his voice. That god damn accent, it was over before it even began. Lead foot all the way across town to pick up my stranger with benefits.

He gets in my car, I’m bumping Colt 45 by Afroman because why not? I take us back to my place and he excuses himself to pee- comes out of the master bath without pants. I ask him if he’ll talk dirty for me during sex, he chuckles he’s been asked that before. I FUCKING BET YOU HAVE, WILLIAM WALLACE. Let’s go. Have you ever made out with a beardo? It’s fantastic. He helps undress me and goes to town with his face for a while. It’s kind of the greatest thing ever. I’m literally humping his face and pulling his hair as I cum in his mouth. (You’re not gonna get that out of your beard.) My downstairs basically became a facehugger from Alien and I was actively trying to impregnate his throat. He’s an expert with his hands and brings me to climax literally over a dozen times in the course of our 90 minute rampage. The sex itself was absolutely noteworthy. Great lay, great, great lay. He came super fast the first time, and it was disgusting how much there was. I feel like he spackled that entire side of my bedroom and I’m afraid to turn on a black light. Just arcing ropes of gross hitting everything like DNA shrapnel. It’s probably still in my god damn hair.

He’s the right size in many ways; I enjoyed his body as much as his penis. I really enjoyed him asking me if I liked taking Scottish cock. The answer is a resounding yes. We flipped around a bit and it was fun times. I think the best part though, the absolute pinnacle of why this particular hookup was so much fun, was that he made me laugh. I was going down on him and he was talking dirty to me. I’m into it. Say whatever you gotta say, just don’t shut up. He tells me he wants to cum in my mouth. He’s unaware of my aversion to semen, and I have no intention of allowing him to do so. You keep your bleachy, blended oyster penis-slop to yourselves, boys. And then he tells me Scottish cum tastes like haggis and I fucking lose it. Cracked up so hard I had to stop what I was doing and just ugly laugh for a while. I may have actually snorted.  Yes, please and thank you, that made my whole fucking day.

Back to business when I get myself to stop roaring with laughter, I really liked when he told me to lay the fuck back so he could go back down on me. Uh, yes? Please tell me what to do you delightful man you. We finish up one more round (his reboot time is impeccable, by the way) and I tell him he has time for a shower before I chariot him back to his hotel. We’re both sad he’s leaving so soon, because we could have been at that all day if given the opportunity. I inform him I demand he leave me dirty voicemails on occasion to make up for the distance between our genitals. I also promise him that someday I will have him again, and I mean it. The gays and I will end up in Florida at some point and you better believe I will ride that fucking beard into the morning.

We’ve texted a bit back and forth since he left, and he’s fully supportive of All The Dicks. He agrees I’ve earned it. And he mentioned I’m a great lay, so you know… brownie points.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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