Ghost from the East Coast

I’ve had Tinder for a few days now, not to mention the other dating apps I’d been using infrequently to try meeting people that maybe sparked an interest. A guy we’ll call Ghost hits me up on Tinder and we start casually talking about Batman. We talked about Batman for a good minute… super heroes in general. I’m a fan! Long story short, he’s a giant nerd and in the Army Reserves up from the east coast visiting family. His Tinder pics are goofy, he’s funny, and I like talking to him about NOT sex. Right off the bat I dig him and his low-key, not pushy or overtly sexual chatting. Take a fucking lesson from this, fuckboys. He tells me he’s only got a few days left up here and he wants to come over and watch a movie… I am suspicious. I give it to him straight we can skip the movie if he’s not really interested in that, but I’d like to be direct with our intentions. He’s DTF. OK, it’s go time. I need to make a decision if I want to actually do this hookup app thing or not. Fuck it, I’m not getting any younger and this kid is recently turned 23.

So we set a date to meetup. He kind of blew me off that day and I got cold feet waiting for him… then something super weird happened. Facebook suggested him as a friend!? So I did what any normal person would do and I stalked his profile for clues about his personality to make myself more comfortable. Turns out he appeared to like psychedelics, or at the very least have done them previously and enjoyed them. So I asked him if he wanted to trip instead, being that I chickened out. He was down. Ok, so I pick up 2 hits and we make a night of it. Starting with drinks at the bar to loosen up a bit, he let me win a game of pool against him. He says it was organic and he didn’t let me, but I’mma call bullshit on that real quick. It was sweet though, I appreciate it. As soon as we leave the bar he spins me around and kisses me. He’s tall for me- 5’10”. He thick and squishy the way I usually like a man, but had recently decided I was only going after abs and hard bodies. I found him physically attractive, but mostly I wanted to talk to him some more. He was fun! Also he talked with a very slight lisp and that just did me in. I tell him he’s my first meetup on Tinder and ask him to please not murder me later. Then I joked about being a serial killer that lures men to their death. He laughed. Always a good sign if they can get past my personality.

We get to my house and immediately went to bed. He’s kissing me and moving his hands on me in that way that makes me feel like I’m a hot piece of ass and he wants it. Yes. Make me feel desired. I’m on my period at this point in time so I had to take care of some business before we got down to business. I learned, the first few times we had sex, he doesn’t get off easily. HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY!? The sober sex was great- he was well endowed to the point it was moderately uncomfortable, but a good enough partner to know what to do to keep it pleasurable. He seemed genuinely concerned it hurt too much, but I encouraged him to just keep doing what he was clearly built to do. It was so good. Just amazing, and the added bonus of knowing he’s not piss drunk and actually wanted to meet up with me was an ego boost. He bites, the good kind of biting that never segues into OW OW OW. I could not get enough of him. Then we decide to drop; I felt rushed at this time, not from him but some internal clock I was keeping time with that told me he didn’t want to waste his time fucking me all night and would want to get on a higher state of consciousness. So we drop and start watching YouTube videos- I introduce him to Waking Life and he’s getting into it. We’re uncomfortably cuddling across two chairs but I’m happy to oblige him with back scratches while he lays his head in my lap. I need to get up and stretch my legs.

I stand up and immediately get a head rush. I’m coming up, the LSD is working. HOORAY! I bend and stretch for a few minutes to work out all the kinks. He asks me if I want to fool around some more, and I’m not sure what to think about it. I’ve never, in my 16 years of dropping acid, ever thought to have sex on it. Wouldn’t that be weird? And there’s no way this CHILD knows more about how to get down and have fun than me, right? I say sure, figuring we’ll just lose interest 5 minutes in and get distracted by colors and giggling. He immediately goes to work on me the way I like it- he’s on top, holding me close, and grinding into me up into my rib cage. I’m literally seeing stars it’s so good. My ceiling has never been so god damn interesting or beautiful, and not in a distracting way. My high was completely amplified by his generous lovin’. I say lovin’ here because it didn’t feel like typical sport fucking (the power of mind altering substances, am I right?) He was a skilled partner and read my cues perfectly, not to mention I’m fairly direct to begin with so I told him what I liked and how I liked it. He’s rocking into me and I’m just wrapped around his body clinging to orgasm after orgasm. He’s taking me to a whole new level of sexual appreciation. I can hear the bed creaking beneath me but mostly I hear my breathing… I have a sneaking suspicion I said “oh my god” 10 thousand times in his ear, approximately. I never want this feeling to end, this is better than rolling on E with a vibrator and lots of privacy. He told me previously he doesn’t get off easily, so he just gets into pleasing his partner as much as possible. He hit all the spots. We go and go and go until he just ran out of steam. It could have been hours? I have no concept of time at this point.

We’re laying there, naked and sweating, I’m glowing and my mind is blown. I’m sure he’s basking in the pride of a job well done, as well as the bonus of it being good for him too. Our pillow talk gets weird and thrilling- he’s the kind of person I could easily get lost in fucking for a few months. Not my type for dating, but enjoyable on more than just a sexual level. He’s all kinds of trashy and hilarious (my kind of people,) telling me stories about taking 5 hits of acid and drinking Four Loko on the beach. He get’s completely shit show, too! We have so much in common, what will our kids look like? bahahaha We go into fetishes and things we’ve seen- I tell him about how I used to be a professional dominatrix and he gets hung up on how I’ve been elbow deep in old men before. Literally elbow deep. Part of me is enjoying pushing his boundaries. I feel mysterious and terrifying, but sweet and in desperate need of connection again. This is what I needed. I needed a big boy to come over give it to me right, all night long, and then talk to me like a human being. I tell him about my plan to bed all the hot men I can get my hands on, to get over my divorce. He encouraged me. He completely embraced my “fuck the pain away” motto and told me to get out there and get all the dicks. He made mention if I’m turned off by how dumb the army boys had been lately, to stick with Military Intelligence which is what he was. He goes on to explain Military Intelligence guys are all just a bunch of nerds WHICH IS TOTALLY MY THING. Noted, stranger. It’s always nice when a guy you’ve just had sex with gives you pointers on how to continue your good luck in partners with others. *Sidenote, I’m not the one who called them dumb. Your hateraid is hilarious, but one of your own called it.

I took him home, we texted briefly the next day, and then he went back to Florida without another word to me. I’ll never see him again, I’ll never talk to him again, I’ll never ride him again- and it’s perfect. He left me wanting more, without giving me the opportunity to find disappointment in him. Whether or not that was intentional, or what his actual thoughts behind completely disappearing are, I don’t care. I appreciate that he rocked my fucking world all night long, and then left without causing me any pain or drama. This hookup thing might just be a great idea, I’m thinking. I’m glad I took a screenshot of my favorite pic of him on Tinder, before he unmatched me and disappeared into the fog of my memory.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.

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